400 days! Today marks 400 days that I have not thrown up, taken laxatives, or fasted. 400 days ago I accidently overdosed on sleeping pills and laxatives and wound up in the hospital. I never thought that I could make it to this point, but here I am. Basically, I made the decision to get better. This does not mean that I do not struggle, it's just that the struggles are so much less and so much farther in between!
I look back at the past 22 years of my life, and cannot remember a time where I have ever been so at peace with myself. I still do not have a healthy attitude toward food, but the rational part of my brain is slowly taking over the eating disorder part. I don't understand the draw toward Pro-Ana and Pro-Mia sites. Even when I was sick, I did not want to admit to it. As with many other people, my eating disorder was a goal of perfection, so if I admitted I had a problem then I was far from perfect. There is so much help out there for those who need it. I'm sure many of you think that as soon as you step foot into a counselors office, you are never allowed to throw up again or you must eat 3 full meals every single day. TRUST ME, this is not the case, and if you find a therapist that tells you that... GET A NEW ONE!!! And eating disorder is a lifelong process but it CAN be overcome. My first therapist gave me my control back. I was quickly losing all the control that I had worked so hard to gain. My head was spinning out of control, I had no trust in anybody (including myself), I was beginning to get C's and D's rather than my normal A's and B's. She told me that eating is my choice, and it is my choice to throw up or take laxatives. It is also my choice to get off the treadmill.
I don't mean to preach or sound like I am amazing - I just want people to know that there are so many other choices then websites. I am a counselor at a psychiatric hospital, and I understand so much from that and from my own experiences. There is hope out there, but it's not going to be found in a chat room. If you really want to meet people who understand, join a REAL support group. Check out www.medainc.org It is the Massachusetts Eating Disorders Website and they have REAL groups with REAL counselors, almost all of whom are recovered from their own battle. Please, there are people out there who support you and will let you make your own decisions, they just happen to be trained in the field... not just groups of people on the internet.